


The Oakenshield Commandments

by Exdasho



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:04:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exdasho/pseuds/Exdasho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A list written by Thorin about the rules that his ragtag bunch have to follow, and things they're no longer allowed to do because it exasperates him and interferes with his majestic majesty. Utter crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Oakenshield Commandments

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything cracky before, so here's a little light-hearted drabble to counter the incredibly angsty one written previously. XD I picture Thorin as a slightly OCD grump when it comes to order and properness, and liked how silly he seemed in the book with how he always had a tendency to start talking and end up on a long-winded tangent, unable to stop.

**\---**

 

_A list, written on a long, dog-eared sheet of parchment that unfolds to several feet in length. Covered in text written in a mostly-neat hand, sometimes punctuated by bouts of wobblyness and tearing of the paper. At the very bottom of the paper, a large " **KILI WAS HERE p.s. my brother is an idi** \-- (text unfinished)" is scrawled._

_\---_

**The Oakenshield Commandments**

 

**\+ Applying to all who journey in the company of Thorin Oakenshield:**

**-** Uproarious singing in any occassion shall not include forcing me to join in.

\- If there must be a food fight by all means take care not to hit me with any. (ammendment: moreso if we are having fish)

\- Remember that we hate elves.

\- If you are caught fraternizing with, praising, or admiring elves (we hate them), you are sentenced to pony duty.

\- Anyone who yells "Orcs" while I am sleeping because they think my reaction is amusing will likewise be sentenced to pony duty. It is not amusing.

\- No one is allowed anymore to hide Oin's ear trumpet and force him to play a game of "I spy" before you will return it to him.

\- Bombur is not, in fact, a living trampoline and you will not treat him as such.

\- No one shall refer to my periods of private insightful contemplation as "majestic brooding".

\- Nori's head is not actually shaped like that and none of you are allowed to try and shave him in his sleep to find out.

\- If Ori knits you something, you will graciously accept it and not tease him for it or make him cry.

\- None of you shall "accidentally" eat another's share of food, even if you are Bombur.

\- Expecially if you are Bombur.

\- Jokes about mistaking Dwalin's head for the moon are no longer funny, as are offers to polish it for him.

\- The game of "Toss the Hobbit" is strictly banned from now on.

\- You are no longer allowed to feed Bombur as a form of entertainment.

\- For Bombur: You will check first before sitting down anywhere. I cannot afford to risk losing Mr. Baggins again.

\- For Gloin: You may stop constantly showing us the locket containing pictures of your wife and son. We are well aware how lovely they are.

\- It is impolite to ask Mr. Baggins to massage your backs by running up and down on it.

\- The size of Orcrist shall not be referred to as "compensating for something".

\- Mr.Baggins shall not attempt to use Bombur's beard ring as a swing.

\- I do not wish to see another barrel again in my life. ( _next to this, in the same hand that wrote "Kili was here" at the foot of the list, is a small doodle of a barrel with a caricature of Thorin sitting in it looking rather ill.)_

 

**\+ Applying exclusively to Fili and Kili:**

\- Both of you shall refer to me ONLY as "Uncle Thorin" and not any other strange variation 

\- Similarly you will cease to address Bofur as "Eyebrows".

\- If either of you try to tie all of our ponies to the axe in Bifur's head again I will put you two on permanent pony duty for the rest of this journey.

\- When braiding each other's hair and beards you will not include vast quantities of any ornaments of botanical origin. They are distracting and unseemly for dwarf princes. 

\- When you are helping to braid MY hair please also refrain from adding unnecessary adornments if I happen to fall asleep.

\- Balin is not your grandpa and shall not be called such. He is, in fact, younger than me. How do you little mudsticks think that makes me feel.

\- You will stop telling Ori frightening stories right before he goes to sleep. Dori is running out of lullabies to comfort him with.

\- Fili, you will stop trying to convince Kili that he'd look very fetching if dressed up as a maiden. I do not require that mental image.

\- For the last time, our ponies do not eat meat.

\- I will not constantly act as your personal measuring tool whenever you come to a disagreement regarding who is taller.

\- If Mr. Baggins wakes up to find the all the hair on his feet in cornrows again, I will personally ensure that you two spend an entire day with your stupid heads braided together back-to-back.

\- You will stop answering me with "Yes, your majesty." ( _Next to this another caricature of Thorin is drawn, wearing a flamboyant crown with his hair streaming in the wind.)_

_\---_

 

_The list ends here for now. Flipping the parchment over reveals several messy, repeating lines of text, all of which read:_

**_I WILL NOT VANDALIZE UNCLE THORIN'S LIST AGAIN_ **

 

_And signed with a hastily scrawled "K"._

****

**_-END-_ **


End file.
